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The Bachelorette Drinking Game

It is time, my fine feathered friends. Time for the end of the greatest circus in the world that is The Bachelorette. Andi will be proposed to by two men (OR WILL SHE???[she will]), and have to make a decision about with whom she will spend the rest of her life. 

And watching someone go through all this on TV may leave you with a strong desire to imbibe. I get it, brothers and sisters. I get it. For your viewing and drinking pleasure, I present unto you: The Bachelorette Drinking Game.

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink:

  1. The word “journey” is used
  2. The word “connection” is used
  3. Someone refers to “the process”
  4. A helicopter ride takes place
  5. Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms on his glowing dais of love
  6. A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships
  7. Someone says “picture the rest of my life”, “spend the rest of my life”, “could envision the rest of my life” or any other “rest of my life” phrases
  8. Andi does a voice over while she walks around a resort/beach
  9. Andi does a voice over whilst standing on a balcony/ledge and stares into the distance
  10. Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin
  11. Andi says “Staaaahhhp”
  12. Andi frowns very, very deeply while speaking
  13. Someone cries
  14. You audibly groan
  15. The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife
  16. Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as “paradise”, “fairytale”, or “something out of a dream”

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy:
- A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Andi

- They bring back the old Peter Cetera song to montage the lovebirds journey

- The couple is already broken up by the After the Final Rose Special

Cheers and happy viewing!

Filed under The Bachelorette Finale the bachelorette abc bachelorette andi dorfman chris harrison abc

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Henley Monday - 
Something about ComicCon is so exhausting even from thousands of miles away. It feels like every day there are at least three things over which to completely lose your mind in excitement and awe. But I love it. But  I’m pooped.
So let’s all just take a few moments of peace and stillness together as we behold the majestic beauty that is this still of Chris Pratt in the upcoming JURASSIC WORLD. He is getting hotter by the second and won’t stop wearing henleys, being adorable, and french braiding girls’ hair. I can’t wait to see him back as Andy Dwyer on the last season of PARKS & REC coming up too. And even sooner in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.
Chris Pratt, you on fire, boy!

Henley Monday - 

Something about ComicCon is so exhausting even from thousands of miles away. It feels like every day there are at least three things over which to completely lose your mind in excitement and awe. But I love it. But  I’m pooped.

So let’s all just take a few moments of peace and stillness together as we behold the majestic beauty that is this still of Chris Pratt in the upcoming JURASSIC WORLD. He is getting hotter by the second and won’t stop wearing henleys, being adorable, and french braiding girls’ hair. I can’t wait to see him back as Andy Dwyer on the last season of PARKS & REC coming up too. And even sooner in GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.

Chris Pratt, you on fire, boy!

Filed under Chris Pratt Parks and Recreation Parks and Rec Jurassic World Guardians of the Galaxy Star-Lord peter quill andy dwyer comic con

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The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All Recap

Guys, guys, guys, guys! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE RECAP BEFORE THE WHOLE SHOW COMES TO A DRAMATIC CLOSE! This is also the final recap I have to complete in order to be “caught up” with the show. It may have taken me three weeks to get “caught up” but catch up I did! But you won’t catch ME putting KATSUP on my hotdogs because I’m a Chicago girl, OKAY?! Ha ha ha, we have fun here don’t we? I’ve had a few beers tonight, and we are entering into hour six of the Bachelorette that I have consumed this week alongside little else in terms of entertainment so I fear I may be losing it. Bear with me though because sometimes a few loose screws is all it takes to make the ride FUN (and sometimes deadly but today it’s about FUN).

My main man Chris Harrison comes trotting out to his blue-lit platform of love to welcome us to a very special evening. Before anything regarding the current season happens, we have some time to kill with Ashley and JP who are pregnant with their first child! They are my favorite couple ever from this show, and maybe ever in general. I just ADORE Ashley and JP, and Ashley is a stunningly beautiful pregnant woman.

She is due in October, and we also learn that they moved to Miami. Cool stuff guys. I love you, but what are we doing here? Oh. Oh God. Oh my god. We are doing a live ultra-sound. Oh no. Oh my. They are going to “find out if it’s a boy or a girl right here.” Which, we as an audience will, but Ashley posted a sonogram a while ago of a baby boy. So that’s not really breaking live television.

But we’re really going through with this. We are honest to God doing a live ultra-sound with Ashley busting open her cute maxi-dress just a bit and the doctor slopping on the goop. First they make a SOLID joke of putting Chris Harrison’s face over the ultra-sound image. I laugh for what feels like hours (jk). Then the technician mashes the ultra-sound thingy all over her stomach to show “an ear” (a blob) and “a thumb” (another blob) and finally reveal that it’s a boy!

JP says he would’ve been happy no matter what, as long as it’s healthy, but is thrilled to be getting a son. Ugh. I hated that so much, but Ashley and JP are still so cute I can’t stand it. And I guess if you could basically fulfill your child’s college fund by doing a live ultra-sound of it before it’s even in its third trimester, you would do that.

Now we get an extended preview of Bachelor in Paradise which is going to be juicy and vile and so fun and so, so hard to watch. I can’t wait. I don’t recap the Bachelor Pad/In Paradise seasons, but you can bet I’ll be tweeting my thoughts like crazy.

Nearly twenty minutes into the show, we finally get to the Men of the Men Tell All. Everybody is back and looking sharp. They do a little practical joke by everyone wearing scarves! I mean yes, a bunch of the guys wore scarves this season, so it’s cute, but I would have thought they were genius if it had been turtlenecks.

Ugh, man, remember how hot Hot Carl was? Hot Carl is still so, so hot. Coach Brian is adorable as ever. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face managed a hair cut between filming and now, but it’s still some pretty bad hair.

The first video package rolled is the overview of all the negative drama between the guys from this season. We get Craig drinking too much; we get JJ saying it’s hard to be happy for other guys’ successes; we get Andrew being a gold medalist douche canoe; and we get Andrew being a racist douche kayak.

Chrarrison decides to dive in head first to “the most sensitive issue of the season”, WHICH IS NOT ERIC’S DEATH MIND YOU, but the alleged racist comment made by Andrew. Racism = very sensitive issue, but I just think the whole way they sensationalized Eric’s death is a little more sensitive. But they don’t care what I think do they?

Anyways Marquel talks a little about how after hearing from his close friend JJ what Andrew might have said, he wanted to pray and think about how to address the situation. The audience applauds as he said he knew he was representing not only himself but also his family, his friends, and many others. Ron, who was the other man of color included in the original alleged statement that Andi chose “the two blackies,” commends Marquel for how respectfully and gentlemanly he handled himself.

And then the funniest most horrendous thing happens. Andrew starts to say his part and says, “I completely agree with the way that Ron approached…” and is interrupted by Marquel saying and pointing at himself, “Marquel”.

“I’m sorry what?”

“Marquel…You said Ron,” Marquel gently says.

And then you can see the color and light leave Andrew’s face as he apologizes. Now, Marquel says, “No worries.” But I feel like he SHOULD be worried because in a discussion where Andrew is desperately trying to clear his name for being an alleged racist, THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS CONFUSE THE ONLY TWO BLACK GUYS SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU. Now, to be fair, Ron had just spoken. But also, to be fair, they are two completely different people, and Andrew spent a lot more time with Marquel. And also oh my GOD you guys he called him by the wrong black person’s naaaaaaaaaaaaame.

So then they get down to really trying to divine what happened and what was said. We get to see the video of it where you can only see that he leans over to say something to JJ, but there’s no audio. Then Nick S says that he knows something was said, but there was a lot of chatter.

Andrew continues to be kind of a smug jerk about it, though. He’s such an asshole, that whether or not he did say “blackies”, he’s still a shit-hole of a person. Andrew attacks JJ and tears him down by saying that his credibility is spent and that he’s a person who doesn’t deserve respect. And shut up Andrew. Look at your life. Look at your choices. I would like to cordially invite you to eat boners, so shut up. I would like to be done with Andrew.

Farmer Chris even gets on the hating on JJ train. I just don’t think JJ is a bad dude. They are all questioning at this point how JJ handled what he heard, and that JJ is a snake. But Marquel, being a good dude, brings it all back around to how he loses respect for Andrew for  deflecting all this blame rather than just straight up apologizing to Marquel for anything potentially offending him. “I can forgive you for what you said, but I can never forgive the ignorance that is racism,” Marquel says. And Andrew is trying to applaud too and be like “I agree!” And then FINALLY Andrew apologizes. It took him ten minutes of accusations flying to apologize.

Apparently Marquel was a huge fan favorite this season, and I missed that memo.  But before Marquel gets into the hot seat, JJ decides to interrupt. Oh god here we go again. What is it JJ? He tries to get off his chest that he’s sorry if his actions were misconstrued, and then Chris and Brian both basically tell him to shut up. I don’t know. I don’t care about JJ’s role in this, so let’s move on.

Let’s talk to Marquel about god knows what because what is there even to talk to Marquel about? We hear more from Andi about Marquel in this video package than we ever did during the show. When he and the Chrarrs sit down to talk, they boil everything down to him being stuck in the Friend Zone. Ok. I will give Marquel a ton of bonus points for wearing an adorable cookie lapel pin on his jacket. And then he hands out cookies to the audience! Marquel is a class act, but he’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise which concerns me. We’ll just have to see.

Marcus gets up on the hot seat to talk about his shocking goodbye. The women go wild for him, and much like Marquel, I just don’t get it. Marcus has only the kindest things to say about how he truly loved Andi and that she helped him mature and grow as a man. He is looking forward to talking to Andi about a few things.  

But again, Marcus is on Bachelor in Paradise, so I’m not TOO worried about either his willingness or his ability to find love. Chris Harrison is talking about Bachelor in Paradise as if it hasn’t already happened though. Am I in a fever dream? Did they not already show us ten minutes of preview?

Next is Chris’ turn in the hot seat with Chrarrison. The women go absolutely bonkers for him, and I can’t blame them.  Chris also speaks very highly of Andi, but wishes that he could have had more time with her and perhaps different time, where it could have been just the two of them.

And then Chris is interrupted by what I can only guess is a full blown psychotic woman from the audience. Even Chris Harrison is stunned, saying, “Apparently this is an open mic talk show now.” So this woman’s name is Ketra which is a CRAZY name. And then she sits down on the couch and says she’s Canadian and from a small town, and asks “Do you think you’re going to meet someone in Iowa?” WHAT THE HELL? THAT’S A BIZARRE QUESTION. She’s beautiful. But obviously crazy. Chris is blushing hardcore because how uncomfortable is this?

Chrarrison puts them on a speed date while we are on a commercial break, and that sounds horrid. Poor Chris. Obviously being set up with a beautiful but clearly INSANE woman. Chris is respectful and delightful as she leaves him her phone number, but I still feel like that’s never going to happen because she’s out of her goddamn mind.

Finally, we trot Andi out on stage in a skintight, sparkly number. She looks great. We go first to Chris to talk to Andi. He asks what happened to lead to her letting him go. So, Andi just kind of repeats herself from what she said when she actually broke up with Chris. Then Marcus asks Andi what happened, and if his saying “I love you” so fast scared her. Andi repeats herself again that she just didn’t feel the same way as fast as Marcus. Then Cody fires away that he’s sad Andi never got to see “The Real Cody”, and Andi is like, well I just wasn’t feeling it so I owed you the respect to just send you home.

Now Marquel fires one off! What the heck is this? I feel like she’s up against a firing squad. She is 100% holding her own though and respectfully, diplomatically answering every question. Marquel asks why they didn’t get out of the friend zone. Andi says she thinks the romance wasn’t there, and they just always had fun as friends. They laugh when he jokes how she was too shy to kiss him but really he was too shy to kiss her.

Then Nick S fires away that he feels that she really had her guard up when they were talking at the second rose ceremony. Shut up Nick S, no one cares about you. Andi is so kind in saying that it’s hard to just constantly be vulnerable and she’s sorry if he felt he was being brushed off. Once again, shut up dude.

Then Chrarrison introduces Andi to the infamous party crasher Chris Bukowski. He’s in the audience because he’s on Bachelor in Paradise. So they finally get to meet from across a studio audience.

And that’s the end of that. What the hell? That was the strangest Q&A I’ve ever seen on this show. And so short. It was just a rapid fire rehashing of things we’ve already discussed ad nauseam on the show.

Chrarrison helps clear the air that Andi is not in any way pregnant. Then Chris brings out the results of the lie detector tests from Italy. We find out that Coach Brian, Farmer Chris, and JJ told no lies. Marcus lied about having slept with fewer than twenty women. Oopsies. Dylan told the truth about NOT always washing his hands, so he whips out his hand sanitizer. But his lies were about preferring brunettes AND being ready for marriage. When it comes down to Josh’s results though, Andi decides to not reveal his results and let the trust remain.

Then it’s finally time for bloopers! They are short this year and not really worth it. But the show is now over! WHAT A WEIRD MEN TELL ALL. THE WEIRDEST.

I will see you all on Monday for the posting of the Official Drinking Game Rules! The recap will go up on Wednesday, but I will be live tweeting the finale over @Chasspod so join me there! Fill up that ask box if you have any burning questions left on your minds going into the finale. I’ll see you there.

Filed under the bachelorette andi dorfman abc bachelorette ABC chris harrison the men tell all the men tell all recap the bachelorette recaps the bachelorette week ten andi marquel tv tv recaps

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The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

Hello again everyone. Back so soon for more Bachelorette good times? We are so close to finishing this thing I can taste it. I can also taste the Jewel brand chocolate chip cookies I am mainlining into my face-hole right now, but I can also dimly taste the sense of accomplishment of finishing this season. Let’s savor, shall we?

We are in the tropical island paradise of rich culture and generally impoverished people of the Dominican Republic. The producers give us that special, special time with Andi where instead of watching her walk around the resort thinking back on her relationships with the three remaining men, we watch Andi journal through her relationships with the three remaining men. Let’s boil down the whole segment: Andi likes Josh; Andi likes Chris; Andi likes Nick.

The one thing this whole video montage made me remember were all the amazing turtlenecks we saw this season. There were some really great turtlenecks, but I think that now, mercifully, we are spared from the wrath of sweaters evocative of the necks of turtles because of the Caribbean climate.

Andi is thrilled for her first one-on-one date this week with Nick. She is really excited to spend so much time with him. They hop right into a helicopter (yay!) to go see the gorgeous coast of the island of Hispaniola on which the Dominican Republic, along with Haiti, resides. So don’t say I never taught you anything.

They land on a private island with a private beach and private picnicking and snorkel gear! I want to snorkel there! Before they snorkel they make out in the water a lot. Then they sit on the beach and have a very important discussion on how Nick really felt after his bad break ups. He fumbles over his words to tell Andi how he really feels which is that he loves her. He rambles and bumbles and stops and starts. My roommate makes a very good point that Nick’s emotions for Andi are obviously real because there’s no way he’d be so dorky and fumbling over the right words if he was a player. He’d have it all scripted out. Good point, Casey.

After that awkward conversation, they snorkel! And make out. Mostly making out under the guise of snorkeling.

They get back to the main island for a moonlit dinner on the beach. And some boring stuff happens but then the BEST THING HAPPENS. In the grand tradition of the guys doing weird shit to show their love, Nick has written AND ILLUSTRATED a fairytale about him and Andi’s love. WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED A FAIRYTALE. YOU GUYS.

He even went to the trouble of distressing the edges of the illustrations before pasting them with a glue stick onto the pages of a red leather bound book onto which he had also pasted the typed out words of the story. It looks long as hell too. Andi is of course the best sport and may even genuinely be really touched by this weird, weird, weird gesture.

Andi then presents him with the Fantasy Suite card and he rambles along before finally saying that he’s trying to say yes. Nick tries one last time to express his full emotions by pulling Andi aside to talk to her by a palm tree. He then enumerates all the things he likes about her and tells her that he loves her. “You know, you’re it for me. And it’s terrifying. But when you know, you know,” he says. There you go Nick! That’s all you needed to say. Andi is of course contractually obligated not to say I love you back, but she kisses the shit out of him. They go into the fantasy suite and that’s that. They presumably bone their little brains out.

Now it’s time for Josh’s day of fun with Andi! They are in the capital city of Santo Domingo which is inland and therefore five million degrees hotter than the coast. They explore the city and try different foods and drinks. And surprise! Josh speaks Spanish! As a fellow hispanohablante, this makes me like him just a smidgeon more. They dance in the square together and make the most out of both being bad dancers.

Then Josh endears himself to me even more by speaking Spanish to a bunch of little kids that they play baseball with. That’s really sweet and a cool activity. As long as they weren’t actually disrupting a game that these kids were playing. Eh. Let’s pretend they didn’t!

After the game they have a talk on a park bench and Josh tells Andi that he loves her. Andi is thrilled and they kiss a lot. Josh even calls out the fact that he knows Andi can’t say anything back. Interesting. And a bold move for Josh to put himself out there and “put his guard down” with Andi.

Dinner is at a beautiful resort where the both of them sweat buckets. I can’t really focus on the discussion for all the sweat pouring out of their faces. They talk about how they would be as parents and what they want out of the relationship and the future. So after much talking AND NO EATING. NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. NO, NO, NO EATING HERE TONIGHT. You can’t go to the fantasy suite on an empty stomach! The thing that kills me is that the napkins are still in the napkin rings. The food hasn’t even been pushed around to give the appearance of having been eaten. When do these people eat???

They go to walk to the fantasy suite and watch a fireworks show. Then go into a seriously plush ass fantasy suite. It’s the size of a small mansion. They are excited to just be together and “have more time to spend together”. Why this show tries so hard to be coy about what happens inside those fantasy suites is beyond me, but they just are.

Andi and Chris meet in the middle of the countryside of Rancho Peligro (Danger Ranch!). She is wearing this caftan-like top that would be a real cute beach cover-up but not a skirt/dress like she’s wearing. And in these tiny little short-shorts Andi is going horseback riding. NO thanks. No thank you. Farmer Chris is excited and feeling confident. Andi is nervous, very, very frightfully nervous. And she should be because wearing shorty-shorts on horseback in 10000 degree heat would be hell on earth.

Chris is being so supportive and patient with Andi as she panics on her horse. She is not good at riding that horse. It’s hard to be that bad at sitting on a horse. They stop at an obliging tree for a little picnic. Chris is so sweet. Andi takes the time to tell him how much she loved his whole family. They do more generally sweet stuff and even play hide and seek which they call ghost in the graveyard, but we all know that ghost in the graveyard is only for when it’s dark out. So there.

The two change out of horse-riding mode and settle down to have a poolside chat. They talk more about “the Iowa thing”. Chris tries to tell her that he knows how hard it would be for her to make the transition to Iowa life, but that it’s not beyond her grasp to be successful there. Andi makes some good points that it’s hard to take a gamble on moving to Iowa and putting all this faith in a decision they don’t know will work out.

Then she picks up the fantasy suite card and says that making the decision to give that card with so many unknowns with Chris is going to be hard. And he pauses and says, “I don’t know where you want me to…what you want me to do at this point.” She starts to get pretty emotional as they continue the discussion. Chris takes the opportunity to once again tell her that he’s in love with her.

“I could sit here and blame it on Iowa and take the easy way out…but part of it is because I don’t see the foundation is there with us,” she tearfully says to him. Oh, Chris. Oh poor Chris. To tell a woman you love her and for her to say she’s not on the same page on NATIONAL TELEVISION has got to be a bitter pill to swallow. She continues to explain everything to him very sadly that she just is not in love with him like he is in love with her.

Chris, like the true gentleman and man that he is, is so gracious and respectful to her. You can see in the slump of his shoulders how crushed he is. He is absolutely crestfallen, and it is so hard to watch. Andi even says that “on paper” he has everything that a woman could ever want, but “my heart and my head don’t match up”.

And then they get up to say their final good-bye, and you guys, I’m not kidding, I lose it. I lose it and cry a little because Chris COULD NOT BE A NICER PERSON. He tells her what an amazing woman she is even as she denies it. She apologizes again and he says, “Don’t be sorry. You can’t control your feelings. I want you to feel all the things I feel for you, but if you don’t, then let me go home.” She tells him how grateful she is to know him and that he was there for this whole experience, and they hug goodbye. This show made me cry you guys. What is happening?

IT’S JUST TESTAMENT TO WHAT A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING CHRIS IS. I NOW HAVE ZERO DOUBT THAT HE WILL BE OUR NEXT BACHELOR BECAUSE HOW COULD HE NOT BE AFTER THIS????

For the ruse of the Rose Ceremony, Andi is wearing a guava pink chiffon sack. It’s beautiful to be sure but a sack nonetheless. She sits down with Chrarrison to debrief the whole week from her breakup with Chris the night before to both men telling her that they are in love. Andi weighs the positives and negatives of both guys to help us fill the time that would’ve been occupied by a rose ceremony.

But they decide to still go through a rose ceremony because the men still need to accept a rose to say that they are still 100% in this. And after they have accepted that rose, to say that could see getting down on one knee after meeting Andi’s family.

The boys are both trotted out to a small dais on the edge of the sea. When Chrarrison comes down to greet them, he tells them that Chris is no longer there much to their surprise. But this is now the third season in a row where there have only been two contestants left at the rose ceremony after the fantasy suite dates. In Desiree’s season Brooks went home early, last season Andi dumped Juan Pablo, and now Chris was let go before the fantasy suite.

With little ado, the roses are given out to Nick and Josh respectively. They are all smiling and so happy to be almost at an end. Josh is sweating through his navy blue shirt and light gray pants so hard.

Josh says he can already picture her being called Andi Murray because that “has a nice ring to it.” Darn tootin’ it does because that’s already the name of a famous tennis player. A really famous tennis player. So that might be why you can already hear that name clanging around your head.

THAT’S IT GUYS! WE JUST HAVE THE MEN TELL ALL LEFT AND THEN THE FINALE WILL BE NIGH UPON US! WE’RE SO CLOSE! THAT TASTE IS SO STRONG IN MY MOUTH!!!!! FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD FOR MORE FUN TIMES AND ALSO FOLLOW HERE ON TUMBLR FOR OTHER JUICY GOSSIP AND ME YELLING IN ALL CAPS ABOUT THINGS I LIKE! BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!

Filed under the bachelorette andi dorfman chris harrison fantasy suites abc bachelorette ABC bachelorette episode 9 recap bachelorette recap tv tv recaps farmer chris the bachelorette week 9

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The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

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We are really in the homestretch now kids. We’ve got Hometown Dates right now, then onto Fantasy Suite, a quick stop by the Men Tell All, and then we’re done. Wow. From that side it looks like nothing, from my end it looks like a lot of work. But let’s stop dithering and just get to the goods!

The first stop on Andi’s nationwide trip to meet her potential in-laws is Milwaukee, Wisconsin for Nick. This bodes well for him and his family, as the first stop is never the most titillating or scandalous. They do a great job making Milwaukee look like a nice place and not a sad, forgotten step child of Chicago. They go to the Milwaukee Public Market and do fun things like eat cheese, try cheese, sample cheese. All cheese all day! Jealouuus! Then they go on a brewery tour, and one of the beer pulls is called the Nick and Andi with a rose on it. Ok. Then Andi doesn’t know what the polka is…has she never seen HOME ALONE at least? Or like been exposed to any kind of anything to know what a polka is?

Nick has a big old family in the adorable town of Waukesha, Wisconsin. There are a lot of brothers and sisters and boyfriends and fiancés and husbands and wives. It is a HUGE family. But I’m still just distracted about how weird Nick’s mouth and teeth are? Have we talked about this before? His teeth are like tiny and he has little fish lips. Nick talks to his older sister about how he is definitely in love with Andi. That same sister Maria gets emotional talking to Andi about how she just doesn’t want to see him hurt again.

His ADORABLE youngest sister Bella has a list of prepared questions for Andi like “What do you like most about my brother?” She’s freaking cute. I can’t stand how cute she is. Andi is also really great with her. I love this segment with no irony!

Nick’s talk with his mom about how much he loves Andi and wants to spend his life with her is great. He cries! Nick cries because he feels that Andi is a half of him that has been missing! Ok. Alright. We’re at the point of the show where I feel things. I feel things. A boy crying to his mom who is also crying about how much he loves a girl? I mean come on. I’m not a monster.

As they kiss good-bye, Nick doesn’t take the opportunity to tell her he loves her. He says there will be time to do that later. “I don’t think of her as the Bachelorette anymore. I just think of her as my girl,” Nick says as his parting words.

Next stop is Arlington, Iowa (Population 758) to meet Farmer Chris and his down-home family! “There is a difference between being excited to be here and living here,” Andi says of her trepidations of really seeing what life would be like in Iowa. Chris looks super handsome in a vest and a plaid shirt on his own farm. I’m dying.

They go on a quick tour of his house. It’s a great little house that overlooks his huge farm. Andi is very impressed by a guy who owns a home rather than having a dinky apartment. Then Chris takes Andi out on the tractor to see the farm from that perspective, and he even lets her drive! She sits on his lap as he teaches her how to drive this humongous John Deer tractor.

“She asked me if she could sit on my lap and I said ‘I will never say no that question from you ever, I promise you that’,” Chris tells the cameras. Oh, swoon. Farmer Chris really tugging at the old heartstrings over here. Then they have a lovely little picnic in the middle of such a huge field I can’t see where it starts or ends.

Then they discuss what would happen if they live together. Chris really feels that Iowa is important to him and his whole life and family. He’s very understanding that you have to enjoy your lifestyle and where you live otherwise you’ll never be happy even if you’re in love. And then Andi asks what she would do for work in Arlington, Iowa and the FIRST THING CHRIS SAYS IS, “Well there’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” And then I black out for forty-five minutes.

ANDI IS A LAWYER. FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA. YOU DON’T HAVE THE KIND OF WORK ETHIC AND DRIVE AND INTELLIGENCE TO GO THROUGH LAW SCHOOL TO JUST THROW IT ALL AWAY TO BE A HOME MAKER WITH THE JUNIOR LEAGUE. WHAT. GOOD LORD. KILL ME. I WOULD RATHER DIE.

But then he says that Cedar Rapids is a vibrant community that isn’t too far away, and she would have opportunities to practice law in some form. And I’m breathing regular air again and not just steam and fire.

And then I black out for another forty-five minutes because as they’re sitting there Chris points up to a crop-duster plane dragging a sign that says “Chris loves Andi!” and he says, “no secret admirer anymore!” And Andi is so completely taken by it. She says it’s the most romantic gesture ever. I want to die at how hokey and tacky and like not cute that is.

They arrive at Chris’ parents’ farm house which is very large and modern and nice. They are successful farmers I guess. There are so many huge bear hugs that happen as soon as Chris and Andi walk in the door. His mother Linda and his father Gary (GARY!) are adorable. His sisters are adorable too. I love this family.

The three sisters get together with Andi and cackle as they share dirty secrets about Chris’ childhood. They also sing his praises and you can tell how much they love him and are proud of him. I like those ladies a lot. They are good sisters.

Chris’s mom is the BEST THOUGH. She’s THE BEST. I LOVE HER SO MUCH. She is straight talking and smart and knows TRUTH, y’all. When Chris says that it may seem strange he’s fallen in love so fast she says, “Well no. When it’s love it happens just like that. It doesn’t take much time with love.” And then she tells him how she was a girl from town and had never driven a tractor, but she met his father and seeing him on a tractor would just stop her heart. So she adapted and raised her kids on a farm and drove a tractor, and there’s nothing nowadays that would stop Andi from being a successful woman who also lives on a farm.

LIKE I SAID, THE BEST. She never said homemaker either so props to mom.

Then Linda and Andi talk and Linda continues to be adorable and supportive and the best. “Times have changed. I want you to know that if you want to have your career, or even if you don’t, you can still have that on a farm. As long as you have gumption like I’ve got gumption. I think you’ve got gumption,” she tells Andi. SHE’S THE BEST MOM WHO’S EVER BEEN ON THIS SHOW. SHE AMAZING LIKE SEAN’S DAD IS AMAZING.

At the end of the night, the whole family of grown adults plays ghost in the graveyard. You guys. His family is amazing. Andi finds Chris and he whispers, “you’re so smart!” Andi says she is on cloud nine at the end of such an amazing hometown date.

Now we’re in what must be one of the Living Hell’s on Earth, Tampa, Florida for Josh’s hometown date. Josh is such a bro-ey dork I can’t stand it. They go to a park and play some baseball. He’s such a jock. Andi loves every second of him playing baseball and being in his element. I don’t get it. I don’t really get it with Josh in general. He’s too much of a meathead. He’s sweet and genuinely likes Andi but what else? What else is there?

A point of interest for me is that Josh played professional baseball for a number of years and then quit so he could be around his family more and support his little brother as he played quarterback in college and is now trying to get drafted. I’m always suspicious of families that push their children to be professional athletes. Same with show-biz families. Suspicious.

Andi is worried that tonight’s dinner will be all about Aaron and the NFL draft, which is special, but it’s also a special time for Josh as he might be introducing his family to his future wife.  Josh has a reasonably sized family of just two parents and one brother and one sister. Josh even cries a little bit as he introduces them all. His brother Aaron looks like his twin. His brother Aaron also gives the toast at dinner which is so f***ed I can’t really believe it.

Then they talk for what seems like three days about Aaron and the NFL. Andi doesn’t say two words because she doesn’t know anything about it.

His mom and dad talk to Andi only about if she’s willing to be part of their family inasmuch as they will be going to all of Aaron’s games if he’s drafted. They are very protective and very close as a family and that worries Andi. She worries that if she had a family with Josh, they wouldn’t have their own lives as well.

When Josh and his mother talk, she tells him that he has put himself last for so long that he deserves all this great love he’s got coming. Aaron is pretty nice too but I still can’t get over that the son gave the toast at family dinner. That’s not ok.

At the end of the day, she had a nice time because Andi is hell bent on always having fun. But I think Josh’s family is a little intense and the least “homey” feeling she’s gotten so far.

Finally, we go to Dallas, Texas for Marcus’ hometown. They just drive around (in his BENZ) as he plays tour guide to his city. Marcus has already said he’s in love and has expressed the he would already be ready to marry Andi. Andi’s worried this is too fast for where she is at with Marcus.

And then they go into an honest to shit night club in the day, and the Marcus walks away and comes back IN THE SAILOR COSTUME FROM THAT STRIP SHOW DATE. AND THEN HE DOES THE DANCE. SOLO. FOR ANDI.

I black out for at least ninety minutes this time. So awkward and uncomfortable but Andi is like, “it was so hot! Marcus is so hot! I wasn’t complaining!” And I’m not entertained. She says that Marcus is the hottest guy she’s ever dated which is so confusing to me. Like, he’s good looking, but he is not THAT insanely on-fire attractive. Right? Am I crazy here? Am I alone in this?

They walk into his family home and wow, wow, wow are they Polish. Marcus kind of sneaks by as not looking super Polish, but his family are the most Polish looking people imaginable. Beautiful, beautiful people with beautiful eastern European things all over the house. I love it. This feels right at home to me.

Andi and his sister Kathy talk about how Andi feels a little intimidated by the fact that Marcus falls so fast in love and is so quick in expressing it. She wonders if she can catch up to where he is emotionally.

Marcus has a very emotional conversation with is older brother Conrad about how much he appreciates and is grateful to him for being a father-figure to him when their dad left. Real emotions once again!

His lovely mother has a sweet conversation with Andi about how she was able to open Marcus up so quickly with his emotions and trust. “You are very bright and intelligent and of course very beautiful,” Elena says, “I see the sparkles in his eyes when he looks at you!” She is so sweet.

At the end of the night, Marcus tears up as he tells Andi that he loves her and is so happy she met his great family. Andi is touched by this and is really touched by how kind and warm his family was.

And then we break to Chris Harrison’s home in Los Angeles. All the guys and Andi gather with a full film crew to be told the news that Eric Hill has passed away. I don’t think they should have filmed this in the first place. I don’t think they should have shown it. I don’t agree with how much they showed and how long they showed it, so I’m not going to say anything about it other than that it is of course very sad and very difficult to watch people hear the news that someone they know has died.

Magically, twenty-four hours later, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. We start off right away with a fireside chat with Chris Harrison. My rock, Chris Harrison. Andi is very emotional about absolutely everything. She is emotional about Eric’s death, and sending someone home after meeting the families, and feeling happy about her love while something so tragic happened.

Chrarrison is so wise and strong and tells Andi that it’s ok to show emotion and that she doesn’t have to fake it up there, to just allow the emotions to flow and be true to herself. She pulls herself together long enough to come out to the rose ceremony and tell the guys how grateful she is for the love shown by their families. Then she picks up the first rose, pauses, and has to run off screen because she’s so overcome by emotion.

But we press on. And the first rose goes to Josh which greatly surprises me. The next goes to Chris which doesn’t surprise me at all. And then it’s down to Nick and Marcus, and, unsurprisingly it goes to Nick. He’s been her favorite for so long, and Marcus was the only one with whom she expressed any doubts. Poor Marcus. They have a very emotional good-bye. I feel bad for Marcus, but I know he’s going to get back. Andi says, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you gave me.” Which is deep and cuts deep. He’ll be ok. He will!

We must move ever onwards however. The famed and infamous Fantasy Suite dates are up next in beautiful Dominican Republic.

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The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

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We’re back together again so soon. Isn’t this nice? I get to binge watch, and you can binge read right alongside me? Is not this simpler? Jk jk jk I’m not Loki. On today’s episode, Andi and the six remaining guys migrate to Brussels, Belgium. The episode is rife with tension and drama as the decisions made here will impact who goes home for the coveted Home Town Dates. And now, we begin.

The dudes are really showing off their muscles in Brussels! HA HA HA I’m so sorry (not really) but I had to. I had to. Anywho, the city is beautiful European, old-world blah blah very pretty. The boys are very excited about their plush ass suite, BUT LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO THE WORDS I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU: DYLAN BAD-HAIR GOOD-FACE HAS PULLED HIS BAD HAIR INTO A TEENY-TINY PONYTAIL. IT’S SO TINY, BUT IT’S GREASY AND IT’S THERE. Do you think Dylan BH-GF has become self-aware?

Chrarrison stops by the plush ass suite to imbue the guys with a sense of dread of how important the home town dates are. Nick’s confidence is really starting to rub the guys the wrong way. He is very, very determined to be with this woman, but it’s not in a The Notebook kind of way. It’s in a jerky, almost creepy sort of way.

Marcus gets the first of two one-on-ones this week. There will also be a group date with a rose that guarantees a hometown date and then an additional one-on-one.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that Andi isn’t wearing a f***ing, GD turtleneck for her date with Marcus, but I can’t. Because I’d be lying. Because SOMEHOW wardrobe has finagled her into yet another turtleneck. WHAT HAS THIS SHOW AND MY LIFE BECOME THAT TURTLENECKS ABOUND?

Marcus and Andi do the standard Bachelorette date of just exploring the city doing fun things. I am really jealous of this one. They go to a beautiful chocolate shop, take selfies with landmarks, and buy some tacky souvenirs. They even eat mussels in Brussels at a sweet sidewalk café. Marcus tells her that he is full throttle in love with her. And for the first time, in this light at this angle, Marcus looks really good to me. He’s still a little boring, but at least he’s getting hotter? That’s not a thing, Cassie.

They eat an amazing Belgian waffle and she says, “I’m glad you’re a good eater!” They kiss. He talks to camera, and you can see the excitement and love radiating off of him. Ugh. Realness.

They change into fancy-wear and go to a big Belgian palace for dinner. Immediately we get into heavy topics like how Marcus’s dad left his mom and his younger siblings. Andi asks more about the people who would be at the date (as opposed to his father), and Marcus would love to share his family with him. It’s heavy stuff. His mom and his relationship was difficult, but they are in a good place now.

Then Andi and Marcus make out. A lot. In different locations. Making out. YEAAAAH!

Marcus comes home from the date, and Nick realizes that Andi must be somewhere in the hotel. And a plot doth form in his young mind. He trots off into the night to find his lady. Remember when I thought Nick was a simple, normal guy? Yeah I don’t think that assumption was correct. Andi is so shocked to see him because she was worried that something was wrong.

She changes into her casual clothes and they go for a midnight walk in Brussels. They end up at a sidewalk café together. It’s so romantic! SHUT UP! This is a bold, bold move, and Andi is right, it’s against the rules. But just like our old friend Clare, fortune favors the bold.  Nick tells her that he thinks about marrying her. They makeout at the café like a couple of real Europeans.

“I think if I had to chose one word to describe my relationship with Nick, it would have to be passion,” Andi says. “When he kisses me I can feel what he is thinking. It’s hot! It’s so hot.” Girlfriend I get it. But also be careful because the guys are going to resent him big time for this.

Then Josh gets the second one-on-one. “Let’s Ghent it on” the card reads. Whatever could it mean? Just kidding, it obviously means they’ll be exploring Ghent. They eat chocolate at several locations. Yes please! Andi wants Josh to get to a place where he can express his feelings. But then there’s a goose parade? Yes. That’s right. It’s a goose parade. Europeans, man. They love whimsy.

Andi is practically prying his true feelings out of him. He’s scared to and isn’t sharing quite like all the other guys and he needs to do that in order to stick around.

They have dinner in a giant, old castle. It’s amazing. They cuddle up on a couch set in this huge medieval hall. Andi asks more about why he was so uncomfortable last week. After much more mumbling and stumbling over his words, Josh tells Andi that he is, in fact, falling in love with her. And that to take a girl home to his family means that that is someone he might want to marry.

And then beautiful music begins to play and they dance and make out against a castle wall. And the music is actually furnished by folk group American Young playing a seriously gorgeous song in the middle of Ghent. This is really romantic except for being on a platform in front of a bunch of old Belgian couples.

Nick, Dylan, Brian, and Chris are on the group date together. Nick is very sure that he will have the group date rose. Dylan is still wearing his hair in a teeny-tiny ponytail. I think we need to adjust to our new normal here, gang. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face now wears a ponytail.

The group explores some ruins in the Belgian countryside. It is stunning and verdant and amazing. Dylan eloquently states that the “ruins” stood the test of time much like he hopes their love will. Now, Dylan, not to get picky here but the word “ruins” implies that, in fact, this place did not stand the test of time. Don’t wish for your love to end up in ruins.

 They actually take off on a rail bike that is powered by the four men pedaling a blue-metal chariot for Andi on the old train tracks. Brian starts off by quoting Dumb & Dumber by saying “it feels like your running at an incredible rate!” and now I’m in love with Brian.

The boys are dying pedaling this rail bike and come up with cute little games like rhyming to pass the time. When they get off the bikes, they get to go explore a monastery. It is a fully working monastery wherein no kissing is allowed. They actually have to say that so the dudes don’t go smooching on sacred ground.

But this is where the date rose will be given out. Which is really heavy handed and taking things REAL seriously. The date rose to be handed out on the grounds of a monastery? Ok!

Each guy gets some one-on-one time with Andi, and Chris is up first. They get to spin some pottery with zero supervision or instruction. THEN THEY KISS IN THE POTTERY STUDIO? THAT’S NOT ALLOWED? WTF GUYS? ANDI JUST SAID NO KISSING IN THE MONASTERY!

And then Andi also throws out to the group that whoever gets the rose continues on the date with her while the rest of the guys go home. They begin to panic. It’ll be ok guys.

Brian and Chris also take this time to hate Nick even more. The producer’s have kindly cut the footage so it looks like Nick has just been talking and talking and talking. They think he’s just thinking about strategy and how to play the game. I don’t know. I think he is thinking about that, but he’s thinking about that because I think he genuinely likes Andi. I don’t think he’s faking it.

Well, then it’s time for Coach Brian to walk and talk with Andi. Somehow it has become just part of “the game” that each contestant must profess that they are “falling in love with” the Bachelor/Bachelorette if they want to have any hope of getting a hometown date. So Brian takes his one-on-one time to do just that. Brian is so sweet and funny. I just love him. But I don’t know if Andi and he have that special connection.

Nick is still very self-assured in everything going on. He’s just confident that Andi will meet his family. Their conversation goes so well that they have to stand up and walk away from each other so they don’t kiss in the monastery. I would say that Nick is right to be so confident in moving onto hometowns, BUT I don’t know that he’ll get that date rose.

The moment of truth is upon us. The date rose goes to Nick. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked. You can see how crestfallen the other guys are. The three amigos pile into the backseat of a van and buckle their seatbelts together like the baseball team who just lost the big game. They each take turns saying, “fuck”. It’s hilarious.

“Andi just gave me the rose, and I feel like she just told me she loves me,” Nick says.  The happy couple changes clothes and arrive for dinner at a beautiful palace. Nick plants one giant kiss on her right away.

Back at the Plush Ass Suite, the guys all get really steamed together about how conniving and bad Nick is. Usually, I’m on everyone’s side about “the villain”. But this season? Really, guys? I don’t know. Nick is just really confident in what he has with Andi and isn’t playing with all the other boys. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not there to be with Andi or find love. I think he is. I do. I think Nick’s intentions in this are pure.

And the one-on-one date with Andi is more evidence of that. They kiss and giggle and talk about how they would be as parents and what the hometown will be like. As fireworks go off, they make out even more. “I do see that possibility of him standing at the very end,” Andi says. Yeah, I don’t think it’s much of a secret that barring any huge disasters, Nick is one of the finalists. But who else will join him?!

When Nick returns home from his “mini one-on-one” all the guys sit in stony silence. No one wants to hear how great his time with “their” “girlfriend” was. The camera pans to each of the guys to gauge their reactions. Brian is giggling into his wine glass. Josh coughs twice. Marcus stares at the floor. And Chris has a tiny, smug smile on his face.

They start digging into him, and honestly guys? I don’t care anymore. I don’t care how they think he’s a strategist and not there for Andi. I don’t CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN SELVES GUYS. Remember in first grade when someone would tattle on someone else and the teacher would say, “Thank you, Britney but you should only be worrying about Britney.” Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus, Dylan: you should only be worrying about Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus and Dylan!

The most notable thing is that Nick comes so, so, so close to saying everyone’s favorite Reality Show Catchphrase. “I didn’t come here to…be in a frat house,” says Nick. OOOH, so close buddy! But the sentiment is the same. You didn’t come here to make friends.

The guys arrive at a stunning chateau that production has bedecked with the requisite candles, tea lights, and pillows from Pier 1 Imports. Andi’s dress is intense. It’s midnight blue with some serious embellishment up top and down its long sleeves. Damn I love a gown with long sleeves.

During the cocktail party, the guys seem to know that Marcus and Josh are most definitely going to Hometowns. So Chris, Brian, and Dylan are all sweating it out as to who the final rose will go to. Andi also basically tells us as much, too.

Everyone is nervously pulling her aside to robotically remind Andi that they are each falling in love with her. Even Nick pulls her aside to have a moment with her despite having a rose. The guys accordingly react.

But the moment of truth is swift upon us. Andi gives a stirring speech about how seriously she takes hometowns. That for her, it means she sees a serious possibility of being with that person for the rest of her life.

Roses go to, of course, Josh and Marcus first. And that leaves our three boys to sweat it out. In the end, it goes to Farmer Chris. And I think that’s the right call. My sad little heart weeps for Coach Brian and Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face. Dylan cries. Andi cries. Brian cries. Andi cries more. It’s an emotions FESTIVAL in that chateau.

But I think Andi has the right final four. And hometowns are going to be really interesting I think with several of these guys. But it’s also the episode during which they find out that Eric has died. And that’s going to be really emotional and difficult to watch. So bear with me as I figure out how to convey everything that’s going on with a very serious subject on a very ridiculous show.

Until then my loves! My hope is to be all caught up by the time we get to the Men Tell All on Monday. Fingers crossed!

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The Bachelorette - Week 6 Recap

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We’re here! It took me so long to get all caught up with everything in my life, and sadly these had to take the back burner for a moment. But now I am back babaaaay, and ready to go. Let’s dive into love with our friend Andi. It’s week six, and this rag-tag group of fools has hit Venice, Italy. They arrive by ship, calling and cooing to the gods of love and art that they are here to appreciate none of it.

Andi greets the guys just off the canal, and says the one-on-one date is starting right away. Everyone is expecting it to be Cody because he’s the only one who hasn’t had one yet. But jk, y’all. Nick gets the date! They play the scary Intervention music as everyone panics for Cody.

“I feel like the pet dog of the group, like I’m just being drug along,” Cody says. And that is seriously depressing. Poor Cody. You are a Grade A Jabronie, but no one wants to feel like a pet dog.

Andi is taking this one-on-one date with Nick to really feel things out with him and see if there was any reason to be suspicious of him after last week’s drama. They are whisked away in, what else, a gondola.

The guys are staying in Abano Terme which is, according to the copy they gave JJ to read, “gorgeous and just minutes away from Venice.” Farmer Chris takes up his role as this season’s Renee and talks things out with Cody. He supports his feelings of unease, but also agrees that Andi is taking this opportunity to talk things through with Nick.

With the help of a trusty guidebook, Andi and Nick explore Venice holding hands, buying pizzas and gelato, and generally being pretty cute. Over all this both of them are just saying words, words, words about last week and wanting to start over with a clean slate and Andi worrying about getting too swept up in the romance. But, as Hamlet and we all know, those are just words, words, words.

Nick feels really positive about their date though, and that, according to him, “We’re back!” Andi feels better but still has questions she needs answered.

“Going into tonight, it’s sink or swim for Nick,” she says.

And then the scene changes to night and Andi changes into her best dress yet. It is black with gold leaf effect and is very dramatic. They walk into an insane, I mean, insane, Venetian masquerade hall for dinner. Nick is in a tux. Andi’s dress is SLAMMING. This room is INCREDIBLE.  But Andi gets right down to brass tacks about last week and what exactly went down.

Nick feels like he was attacked unfairly and his feelings were hurt by Cody calling him arrogant. He is very straightforward about the fact that he knows what he and Andi share is special, and that he doesn’t want to be rude to the other guys. He also doesn’t want to put them ahead of what he has with her. That seems to satisfy Andi and all her questions. I guess it works for me too.

 They keep whispering though. Why are they whispering so much? Is it because the hall echoes and the sound guy was like, “whisper or nothing!”

 “I’m definitely falling in love,” Nick giggles, “I know we have a long way to go, but I definitely am.”

And the deal is sealed for Andi! He gets the date rose no problem. After both putting on fancy masks, they go out to a patio and dance to a little quartet. It’s romantic as shit.

Date card time! Josh, Brian, Dylan BH-GF, Marcus, JJ, and Chris have their names called out which means Cody will get his one-on-one!

Before the group date starts, Andi gets another note from her secret admirer. She does her best to feign intrigue and delight as she wonders who it could possibly be. This secret admirer business is the lamest attempt at wooing this show has seen since that guy on Emily’s season wore a mask for the first three weeks.

The guys and Andi do a little Venice exploring together, then head up to Monselice Castle. They walk into the dungeon and everyone’s like, “Che cosa?” Then through a creaky wrought-iron door walk the two most Italian dudes of all time. They are presented as two of Italy’s best in the field of reading and administering lie detector tests.

The first scary guy says something in Italian. Then the next guy, clutching a leather bound book because COMEDY, says, “We are here to make with you a lie detector test” in what I can only pray is the first of many silly translation issues.

The dudes are a little freaked out. “I never lie,” JJ says, “No, that’s a lie. I try not to though!” Ugh JJ stop being so irrepressibly adorable.

Andi goes first to get the ball rolling and to show that this trust thing is a two-way street. Right. The guys freak out in the courtyard while Andi answers such hard-hitting questions as, “Is Italy your favorite country in the world?” and “Do you think all the guys are here for the right reasons?”

She’s done awfully quickly, and then it’s Josh’s turn. He appears to be the most skeptical and mistrusting of why she feels the need to do this. Josh has completely forgotten that he is on a television show that lives and dies by the ratings it achieves through sensationalist actions, but no matter! He still does it. The main questions asked of all the guys is, “Are you here for a right reason?” and “Are you ready for marriage?”

“Do you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom?” the tiny bald Italian man asks. Dylan says no. I mean that’s FAIR. Not every guy does! GROSS. But like, ok.

Dylan then pulls Andi aside to tell her he’s going home because he’s really not feeling well. When she asks what hurts he slaps his tummy and his head because he’s a child. Sweet man. Simple man. Go home, Dylan, feel better.

Chris reveals that he is the secret admirer and is worried that when she sees he has lied to her (about that) it’ll be bad. Oh hush, have a little faith Chris. She’s gonna eat it up like so much ravioli.

And now the results are in! According to the tiny, bald Italian man “Three guys told no lies. One man told two lies. Two men told three lies.” He then hands Andi the results of the test, and then shares that Andi told two lies and hands the men the results. I bet one of her lies was that Italy is NOT her favorite country in the world. Chilling stuff.

So Josh is continuing to be so perturbed by a lie detector test saying that he trusts Andi implicitly and doesn’t need no stinking tests. Brian rips open her results right away though because he’s a human person who is naturally curious about shit like that. And LO! WHAT HO! It looks like Andi DID lie about Italy being her fave country and also about thinking all the guys are there for the right reasons. Now that, the latter lie there, that is chilling stuff. Kind of. In terms of what this show is going for.

After a big rigmarole of will she or won’t she tear up the test results, Andi tears them up! She TEARS. THEM. UP. After spending all this time talking about trust and putting those poor professional, Italian lie-detector men through an afternoon of ass-hattery, she TORE THEM UP? Baloney. Josh is really puffed about it and thinks it “speaks volumes of her” that she could have so much trust. Does it? Does it, Josh?

And then we have a quick, acid trip where Cody and Nick are silently in a sauna together? Have I inadvertently dropped some acid? No? Ok. Cody and Nick are just silently hating each other from within a sauna together.

But the group date goes on. After a quick costume change, they arrive back at the castle. JJ is so adorable I can’t really stand it, but he is dressed like a wizard trying to pass for a muggle: Purple pants, sport coat, linen shirt, big multi-colored striped scarf. JJ should follow that “always take one thing off before leaving the house” rule big time.

Brian pulls her away first to get some quality time. He does a “fun” little recreation of the lie detector test from before. It’s a solid “dad” move. I get a very “dad” vibe overall from Brian.

The boys are wildly postulating as to who could possibly be the secret admirer? I think Chris thinks he’s playing it cool but he’s darting his eyes around wildly and being like, “Maybe we’ll never know!” and then staring off into the middle distance. “Who cares?” is what I say. BUT NO ONE CARES WHAT I SAY.

Marcus and Andi continue moving right along the vibe train. These two really like each other, but Marcus is kind of oatmeal to me. He’s just…there. But he feels really strongly for her and  she for him. He reveals that before his one-on-one he was thinking about leaving the show because he was so weirded out by “the process”. But he didn’t. They kiss and we see his tongue big time.

With Josh’s one-on-one time, he decides to bring up that the lie detector test was weird because he thought that she trusted him. And she says, “You read that much into it, huh?” which translates to “the producers made me do this you big dumb galoot”.  Andi gets kind of defensive with him because he’s getting so defensive and strange about the lie detector.

The whole conversation throws Andi into a really emotional place where she questions everything about what she’s doing there and if it’s going to work out. She cries to camera as she worries that maybe putting her entire life on hold to come find a husband and eternal love was all for nothing. She mainly regrets not reading those test results. A-DUH-DOI!

But as she’s clearly upset after her talk with Josh, Chris pulls Andi aside to awkwardly tell her like a shy little boy that he was her secret admirer. They kiss, and it helps Andi feel better about the whole day.

And for that little ray of hope and puppy-like cuteness, Chris gets the date rose. But the drama ain’t over yet, honey! As everyone sits there with fake smiles of congratulations for Chris, JJ speaks up. Whether this was induced by jetlag, extreme fatigue, alcohol, or any other mind altering substance, we’ll never know. But JJ says, “No offense Chris,” which is a cool way to be informed you’re about to be offended. “No offense Chris, I’m really happy for you that you got it but I’m getting a little sick of everybody congratulating everybody else getting roses and getting one-on-one dates.”

He explains that it’s weird to be congratulating guys on getting further along in the process when that means that everyone else’s fate is that much unsure. The guys jump on him right away asking, “Well what’s the alternative?” Chris gets pretty defensive which is hot. He’s not just all sunshine and rainbows. Chris tells JJ that if he wants to sit there and be “sour grapes” that’s fine because he “couldn’t give less of a f***”. NICE.

Now it’s time for Agent Cody Banks. Just kidding it’s time for Cody’s date, but remember that movie with Frankie Muniz and Paul Giamatti turning blue?

WERE YOU WORRIED THAT WE WOULD MAKE IT THROUGH AN ENTIRE EPISODE WITHOUT THE APPEARANCE OF A TURTLENECK? FEAR NOT, FAIR READERS, FOR HERE IN VERONA WHERE WE LAY OUR SCENE, WE SEE A GRAY SWEATER TURTLENECK ON LOVELY ANDI. It’s paired with this bizarre pink skirt. I don’t get the outfit at all.

Andi is so excited to be on the date with Cody because he has “the most amazing eyes”. Does he? Or are we just grasping at straws for something nice to say about Agent Cody?

The Code-ster is really excited and just all smiles as they walk around old Verona. He’s such a giggly mess. They go to The Juliet Club and help answer some Letters to Juliet. This stunningly elegant and beautiful Italian woman explains the Juliet Club to them and asks them to help.

They read one letter from a new divorcee asking about how to feel confident getting back on the dating scene and another from a boy asking for help being confident around the girl he is in love with. Both letters are very sweet, and I can’t help but enjoy this whole part. But then Cody crafts a response to the dude and tells him that he can relate because he has the same thing with a great girl named Andi.

Now. Fine Cody. Way to share with Andi in a cool way that you have feelings for her and she gives you butterflies in your stomach but ALSO. These are supposed to be responses FROM JULIET. NOT YOU. NOT A 32 YEAR OLD PERSONAL TRAINER FROM CHICAGO IN VERONA ON A LARK. Come on, man. Use your big old noggin.

At dinner Andi is wearing some tight, tight pants that I first couldn’t tell were pants. It’s a cute ensemble though once I realized she was wearing pants. Cody is wearing a black deep V and a stripey blazer. It’s a rough look.

He starts right away by saying that he was inspired by their activities to write a little letter of his own. “Dear Juliet,” he starts, “I’m writing to you about my own love story. About a year ago, I was watching TV, and I saw a very beautiful girl step out of a limo. And I knew she was special” Oh Boy. “The first time we met, I knew we had a connection. Since then I’ve had time to get to know her and I’ve learned she’s a beautiful, down to earth girl, and has all the qualities I’m looking for in a wife. Today was our first date, and she has not let me down. And I hope for many more dates. And I also hope she helps me write my greatest love story.” Oh boy. He finishes by asking Juliet to bless their love story. Yikes! OH YIKES! I don’t think it’s happening for Cody, and after that letter this is gonna be like punching a puppy.

He professes more of his feelings for her. And as he professes more to Andi how much he likes her and wants to know more about her, she starts crying. “The longer you keep me around, you’re in trouble because you’re gonna like me more and more,” Cody says.

And that’s where she cuts him off. She explains that she just feels that their friendship is there but the romance isn’t. Andi feels so appreciated and lifted up by Cody and can see what a great, great guy he is, but ultimately doesn’t feel the romantic side of things at all.

She cries and gets really emotional as she tells him why she can’t take him to next week. He takes the rejection like a real pro though. He is so respectful and generous to her. Cody, you leave like a true gentleman. You need a little bit of a style-overhaul, but you’re a sweetheart.

The rose ceremony will be at the oldest winery in Italy (maybe) in Verona. The men pull up in enormous Rolls Royces. They’re are all a titter because they really need this time with Andi to make their feelings known and put it all on the line one last time.

Andi is in a slinky, sparkly black dress that is allotting for an intense amount of side boob. Nick pulls Andi away first and all the guys are pretty steamed because he already has a rose. But Andi really likes it because he took control of the situation like a man. Chris is very disappointed in Nick’s behavior, and the rest of the men appear to be in the anti-Nick boat.

The rest of the rose ceremony continues with the typical show-boating and emotions-bearing. Then Andi has a great fireside chat with Chrarrison who helps Andi to debrief her not so great week. She feels great going forward that her husband is there, but it’s getting harder with fewer and fewer guys.

Roses go out to: Dylan Bad-Hair Good-Face, Brian, and Marcus. Then it’s down to just JJ and Josh. My J-boys. And then, to my great chagrin, the final rose goes to Josh. JJ knows it before she even says it. He’s so crushed and sad. I’m so crushed and sad! JJ! My little pantsapreneur! I love you so! Come heal your wounds with me in Chicago! I will cook you delicious dinners and make you salsas from scratch J-JAYYYYYYYY!

Whew. What a rollercoaster this week was, huh? And it can only get crazier from here. That’ll be fun. This party is moving along to Brussels, Belgium. Cool! I can’t wait. Of course you won’t have to wait a full week for that recap, hopefully it’ll go up on Friday. Until then my loves! Ciao!

Filed under the bachelorette andi dorfman the bachelorette recap the bachelorette week six recap chris harrison ABC abc bachelorette tv tv recaps andi bachelorette episode 6

3 notes

Anonymous asked: Hi! I just wanted to ask if you'll be continuing your Bachelorette recaps? I love them!

Even as I type this during a commercial break, I continue to toil away at the recaps. I continue for several reasons:

1) I finish what I start and I started this, and I’m gonna finish it GD it.

2) The tiny community of Bachelor/ette lovers we have here from across the world is something I never even imagined when I started this blog for my friends a few years ago. I feel connected to you all and, frankly, indebted. Disappointing you would be rough stuff.

3) I have nowhere else to place my rage, frustrations, confusion, amusement, and a tiny belief that “the process works” but here in the vast depths of tumblr. And damn if it doesn’t feel GREAT.

In short: they are on their way!

image

11 notes

Henley Monday - 
I feel genuine excitement in sharing this photograph with you all today. It was a rare find, and I was thrilled, I tell you, THRILLED upon its discovery. I mean, can you even stand it?
It’s Teeny-Tiny, Baby,  Boo-boo Colin Firth looking all concerned and pensieve. The short sleeved henley of course gives him that casual unkempt look that shows his depth of character but also THAT HAIR. THAT FLOPPY PUFFY HAIR.
I swoon anew each time I behold it. Oh Colin, the standards you’ve set are impossible.

Henley Monday - 

I feel genuine excitement in sharing this photograph with you all today. It was a rare find, and I was thrilled, I tell you, THRILLED upon its discovery. I mean, can you even stand it?

It’s Teeny-Tiny, Baby,  Boo-boo Colin Firth looking all concerned and pensieve. The short sleeved henley of course gives him that casual unkempt look that shows his depth of character but also THAT HAIR. THAT FLOPPY PUFFY HAIR.

I swoon anew each time I behold it. Oh Colin, the standards you’ve set are impossible.

Filed under colin firth mr. darcy pride and prejudice bridget jones's diary Darcy the king's speech Henley Monday

51 notes

Henley Monday -

I’m back from England and your good graces!!! This week we will be having an unprecedented THREE RECAP WEEK due to the back log caused by my travels abroad.

Also to appeal to your lovely hearts, I give you this picture of absolute heartthrob Chris Messina aka Danny Castellano of The Mindy Project.

It’s apt because Chris Messina is always apt, but Fox just announced that The Mindy Project will only be returning for a fifteen episode third season. This is not the kiss of death necessarily for the show, but it is SO HARD to consider not getting our full dose of Lahiri/Castellano gold.

OUR LIVES ARE HARD. But we prevail. Thanks to images like the above.

Henley Monday -

I’m back from England and your good graces!!! This week we will be having an unprecedented THREE RECAP WEEK due to the back log caused by my travels abroad.

Also to appeal to your lovely hearts, I give you this picture of absolute heartthrob Chris Messina aka Danny Castellano of The Mindy Project.

It’s apt because Chris Messina is always apt, but Fox just announced that The Mindy Project will only be returning for a fifteen episode third season. This is not the kiss of death necessarily for the show, but it is SO HARD to consider not getting our full dose of Lahiri/Castellano gold.

OUR LIVES ARE HARD. But we prevail. Thanks to images like the above.

Filed under chris messina danny castellano the mindy project mindy kaling Henley Monday fox

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